Imagine a dam with the force and intensity of the highly built up water pushing against its walls and practically squeaking through its cracks. It will probably begin with an initial trickle of water, peeking through the thick, protective dam walls, and dripping down the other side but it’s obvious that once that happens, there’s no turning back. After that first little trickle, the dam is going to give and the pent up power of this heretofore static water is going to explode through the walls and pour and gush out, making the dam seem like it never existed.
This is the easiest way for me to describe what I feel happening in my lower body these days. For a few weeks now, I feel like there’s more energy (the best word I can come up with) in my legs. They feel more active, more awake, as if they’re just about ready to jump up from their slumber and begin to move again. Often times, when I lie there and really concentrate and channel my attention and intention to specific parts of my legs, it feels like they are just about to obey my command and spring into action. Sometimes, I can get them to twitch and spasm a bit (movement of some kind) if I really think about it. It may be random but it’s something.
I always talk about how difficult it can be to notice change and improvement in my body. Because I’m living this recovery day to day, I can’t easily tell what’s better today compared to yesterday or last week. But when it comes to this recent feeling in my legs, there’s no denying that they feel a bit different. I don’t have any proof, and I don’t yet have any motor control in my legs (but I can still wiggle the toes in my right foot!), and there’s no way for me to predict how soon this will happen. All I know is the gut feeling I have that I think things are on the verge of changing.
Maybe this is blind optimism, maybe this is me trying to manifest my own destiny and attempt to bring about the change that I so desperately want, and maybe I have it all wrong. But I really don’t care what it may seem like. At the end of the day, these legs feel different than they used to and I think it’s only a matter of time before that water gets through the cracks of the dam, starts pouring out the other side, and eventually knocks the whole dam down and flows like it used to.