How do you measure progress? How do you know how much better something is than it was one day before? There are many things that can be measured and captured quantitatively but when it comes to matters of health or the body, how do you know if you improved more this month or two months ago?
I’m constantly being asked: “How are you doing? You noticing any improvements? What’s new with the recovery Arash?” These reasonable and seemingly straightforward questions can be nearly impossible for me to answer. On a basic level, I would assume I’m doing better that day than the previous day, but on a deeper level it’s sometimes really difficult to understand if and how much I’m improving. This is one of the most frustrating elements of dealing with such a devastating injury that has damaged me in so many ways.
One of the earliest posts I wrote on this blog was about being on A Crowded Battlefield and how overwhelming it can feel to deal with so many parts of my body being damaged and the challenges of focusing on one thing and being presented with another challenge. In the same way, when I get asked those questions, I have to do a quick analysis of about 37 different body parts and functions and assess if and how much each of those has improved and if that’s more of an improvement than the last time I checked (probably just a few hours before).
In my head, it may go something like this: “How am I doing? Well, let’s start with the obvious: still can’t move my legs. My feet dangle as limp as they have since I began the hospital adventure seven months ago. I still can’t use a fork and knife because I don’t have enough strength in my core to sit up and use both of my hands freely. Speaking of hands, funny you should ask… yes I can type and hold a glass of water and push myself around in my wheelchair (have I mentioned how much I hate my wheelchair??!!) but I can barely squeeze the shampoo out of the bottle and forget about unscrewing an unopened jar or holding anything heavier than a book in my hand. Ahh but the toe, yes alas I can still wiggle my pinky toe. But wait wasn’t that a while ago that I started to wiggle my toe and thought that it was going to snowball into other major improvements, and oh yeah, that hasn’t happened quite yet…” It goes on and on but you get the picture.
All of this brings me back to my original motivation behind this post, how do I measure progress in this post-injury/still unfamiliar body of mine? Maybe the hardest question for me to answer is whether my recovery goes in spurts and plateaus or if it’s a painfully slow and incremental process. There are moments (like today and a majority of the last couple weeks) where I do feel like I’ve undoubtedly plateaued. Some of the exercises I did today don’t feel much stronger than they did last week, or even last month. My hands are so incredibly slow to improve and there’s little I can do to expedite their growth. Standing and walking on my own seem as far away as they ever have been.
But just when it seems like I’m unimaginably stuck on this plateau, I think about one thing: my body is constantly changing. Whether I feel stronger today than I did yesterday is hard to determine but I might feel ever so slightly different than I did previously. And maybe that’s the answer, maybe improvement isn’t always obvious or clear to me, but maybe I have to accept that change is the substitute for progress. After all, if my body was actually stuck and didn’t want to get any better, why would there be so many changes, so many tingles and burns and spasms and unfamiliar sensations and sore muscles? In that case, then maybe my recovery is more of an incremental climb, a barely upward sloped line glacially moving towards the top and signifying a very slow but consistent progressive process. I suppose I still can’t make up my mind on how to measure or explain my progress so just bear with me if I stumble or mumble a bit the next time you ask me how I’m doing.